by Erin Blakeslee, Editorial Assistant

Purdue University Creative Writing professors, Sycamore Review advisors, and general talent monopoly Porter Shreve and Bich Minh Nguyen recently received a nice profile in Indianapolis Monthly.  Read it here.

...to a little place I like to call "Child Star Confidential" land.  Poor Haley Joel.  A DUI and pot possession. But really, we all should have seen this coming.  Of course you're going to start drinking when you realize that, although you were well-loved by all at age ten, by the age of eighteen, all you have to offer the world is the fact that you look startlingly similar to Dawson Leery, and apparently, according to IMDB, a movie entitled Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, the tagline of which reads "Ahead lies something you need-- but to claim it you must lose something dear."  Add to that Secondhand Lions, and it's really no wonder HJ has turned to lots and lots of alcohol to ease his pain. 

Ah, finally.  A little proof that Britney Spears is a good mother after all.  True, she drives with her baby in her lap.  And yeah, there was that time Sean Preston was dropped on his head, and child services had to come to her house to investigate.  But the bottom line is, when a situation arises where she truly feels that her child (soon to be children) might be in danger, she puts her foot down.  You have to draw the line somewhere.  And where, apparently, does Mrs. Federline draw the line?  Nurse sharks, my friends, nurse sharks.  According to this article, taken from Life & Style magazine (so you know it's true), Britney is forcing K-Fed to get rid of his 6 nurse sharks because she

"fears that the six Australian gray nurse sharks are a bit risky when there are two kiddies around the house."

Ummm...aren't nurse sharks pretty much just big catfish?  As one would expect, K-Fed is none too happy about Brit laying down the law:

“Kevin loves those sharks,” a family friend told the mag. “He even named them. But Brit said there’s no way he’d be keeping them.”

Damn, K-Fed, you better be careful.  Next thing you know, she's going to try and take away your allowance.  Any guesses on what the sharks are actually named?  There's probably a Popo and a zao *, but other than that, I got nothin'.  

*I tried to find the video of K-Fed jamming out to his single, "Popozao," for this link, but the video has been removed.  I did, however, stumble across this parody video in which Popozao is replaced with the Care Bears theme song.  It is, in a word, magnificent.  If you have the means, I highly recommend it.

So in celebrity news, Kate Hudson and her rock star husband Chris Robinson have separated.  I found myself relatively upset about this news, which is strange because I don't really even like Kate Hudson.  She's just a little too bubbly.  She doesn't make good movies.  Her fashion choices haven't always wowed me, and at times they've downright repulsed me.  She refuses to cut her child's hair.  She constantly refers to Kurt Russell as "Pop."  Her little-remembered character, "Cory," on Party of 5, broke up Julia and her boyfriend.  And, finally, according to IMDB, her middle name is Garry.  Okay, actually, that's kind of funny, and pseudo-awesome, but everything else still stands. 

So, after all of this, why am I so dismayed at the news of her split?  I was thinking about it, and I think the only character she's played that I've really liked was the ever-loved Penny Lane in the ever-loved Almost Famous .  Great character, great movie.  Pure and simple.  And here's the deal: when Kate married Chris, it was like she was living out the life of Penny Lane.  While our "interactions" with most characters in movies end as soon as the credits begin to roll, with Kate, we were able to imagine (or I was able to imagine) how life would have been in Almost Famous-ville if the movie had just kept on going.  Concert tours, a little unkempt hippie child running around- it was perfect. 

And so this, I believe, is why I am saddened by the split; it has put an end to the continuation of the saga of Penny Lane.  And this makes me a loser.  But, in the words of Lester Bangs, "The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool."

In an update of this story, it has been reported by The New York Post that famed photographer Annie Leibovitz has taken some photographs of the elusive little Tomkitten, and that the photographs will be appearing in an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair.  Leibovitz?  Vanity Fair?  Hey, Suri, that's classy.  Yep, it all sounds great, until...

A spokeswoman for Vanity Fair had no comment and a spokesman for Leibovitz's studio said, "We know nothing about this. The studio is closed for August."

I really think this is all just kind of leading up to the inevitable: Tom Cruise walking down Rodeo Drive, pushing a stroller in which sits a chihuahua dressed in a baby romper, glaring at the staring crowds and yelling, "What? What are you looking at?  This is my baby, and she's beautiful!" and then probably eating the chihuahua's head. 

Mystery so not solved.

That's right readers...this blog is being delivered to you from the great state of Louisiana.  As I was making my way down here via Delta, I stopped off in the Atlanta airport and picked up a shiny new copy of Us Weekly.  Being the loving blogger that I am, I've pinpointed some of the highlights of this issue just for you:

Highlight #1:  If you've seen the issue on the stands, you might be asking yourself, "Yeah, why did Nick choose Vanessa?" 

Answer:  She's MUCH more intelligent than Jessica.  Seriously. 

Highlight #2:  A section entitled, "Look Who's on MySpace.com," in which the myspace profiles of certain male celebrities are scrutinized in a nifty little chart.  Let me give you the rundown:

Star                                            What They Say

Rob Schneider                             "I'm a family guy, and I talk a great amount."

Greg Kinnear                               "I'm a red wine kind of guy, and I'm not a big partier."

David Schwimmer                        "My favorite color is blue...my favorite food is pasta and I don't look like Ray Romano :)." 

Oh, David Schwimmer- how did I know that you would be the one to utilize the dreaded emoticon?  It's just so very...Ross Gellar. 

and finally...

Highlight #3:  An article entitled "Losing Control," in which reporter Gabe Guarente examines the hard-partying ways of La Lohan, and asks the question that I can safely say has been weighing on the minds of all Americans: "Can she bounce back?"  Now, I had a hunch that this feisty little redhead would work her way back into my heart eventually.  I wasn't sure when, I wasn't sure how-- I just knew it would happen. 

And lo and behold, according to this article, mere hours before La Lohan was hospitalized for "dehydration" and "exhaustion" on July 25, she was spending her time at Guy's, a West Hollywood karaoke club, **belting out Journey songs.**  And to that, all I can say is welcome back, baby girl, welcome back. 

And hey, if they start giving you trouble again over not showing up to work on time, just do what Britney did: go regional.  I'm pretty sure "I'm from Long Island" is as good an excuse for stupidity as "I'm country"...maybe even better.